252 Quotes by Joe Rogan

Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.

When you're out there living in the fucking jungle, you want a tiny dick with a pee-hole so small that one of those ball eating fish can't swim up there and eat your ball sack out from inside.

Every single religion that has ever been on the face of the Earth, ever, is a cult. That’s all they are.

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth.

Apartment living is tough action. Just the whole idea that you share a washer and dryer always freaked me out.

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with.

There's a very famous Miyamoto Musashi quote. "Once you understand the way broadly, you can see it in all things." The idea is once you understand what excellence is all about, whether it's in painting, or carpentry or martial arts, that you see how that excellence manifests itself in any discipline. I think that all the different things that I do enhance all the other things that I do.