91 Quotes by John Mulaney

And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for thirty years!"And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?!"And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!

Traveling can get kind of lonely sometimes, er… no, not traveling. What is the word? Life. Life can get kind of lonely.

Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn't be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

The difficulty of getting a movie made through a major studio is so extreme that when a movie comes out, everyone should give it four stars because it was accomplished.

I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it's a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it.

Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.

I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I'd done a lot of things I wasn't proud of.

As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter With my friends, I was still an extrovert.