91 Quotes by John Mulaney

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldnt be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

I kind of thought, wouldn't it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of mainstream?

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn't watch important shows. He'll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever's on, we watch.

I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

It's nice when you're nervous and everybody's like, "Yeah, you should be nervous." Because a lot of times you're anxious and people say, "Relax. Shut up." And that just feels like, Well, I guess I'm also crazy.

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.