218 Quotes by John Oliver

People really have come for a dialogue when they go to a stand-up show in the U.K. They say, 'I understand that you have now finished your little comedy monologue; now I have something to say regarding what I've just heard.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

Any time a particular attraction like Splash Lagoon attracts visitors, it's not just Splash Lagoon that benefits. It's the entire region.

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

As any Brit will understand, things get a little easier when you don't have to be number one any more. Really, the fall of an empire is not as bad as everyone thinks. It's like retirement. People fear retirement, but it can turn out be rather pleasant.

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends-\-\they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

They're long, athletic and they create chaos on the defensive end.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

It was probably years before I was confident enough in stand-up that I was able to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, the way I wanted to talk about them.