218 Quotes by John Oliver

If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum you’ve strangled someone in a bar fight.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It's a logistical nightmare.

I don't think I'm identified as the anchorman, I think I'm identified as the impostor anchorman - there's a very clear line there ... I don't think it changes the way they respond.

You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.

I do not want to leave in [U.S.] ... I cannot make that clear enough to immigration authorities who may be listening to this interview. I don't want to leave, so please don't make me.

I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I'm grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being - those two things are always very different.