218 Quotes by John Oliver

Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England, it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.

There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.

In improv, the whole thing is that it is a relationship between the two people, as a back and forth. In standup, you don't really want to be listening to what somebody is saying; you want to project your jokes into their face.

If you're asking me, would I have voted for Mitt Romney, the answer is absolutely not. Emphatically not. I cannot envision a world in which I would have voted for Mitt Romney unless I sustained a massive concussion.

You don't need people's opinion on a fact.

I was definitely prepared for it to be slower, and it has not worked out that way in any shape or form. I’m grateful as a comedian, and slightly demoralized, occasionally, as a human being – those two things are always very different.

When you do stand-up, you’re just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.

Do you know how hard it is to kill 30 million people? It’s a logistical nightmare.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.