218 Quotes by John Oliver

Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion’s share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.

Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you’ll never get paid back.

Here in America, people come out to see what they’ve known you to do. In England, it’s like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you’re doing.

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact.

You’re sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.

There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving – but most people watch it for the crashes.

I think I’m just a summer fling that people will soon forget.

We invented words; we’ll tell you how they’re supposed to sound.

When you’ve married someone who’s been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.