226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.