226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.