226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.

I’m an entertainer, not a commentator. If you’re a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself.”

I play my life straight – the way I see it. I’m grateful to audiences for watching me and for enjoying what I do – but I’m not one of those who believe that a successful entertainer is made by the public, as is so often said.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr’s singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say “Storms suck!!

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he’ll sing it to me.

According to statistics, it’s a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don’t hear from your relatives.

An oxymoron? What’s that? A moron who studies at Oxford?