226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

Air Canada. That’s a good name for a Canadian airline.

I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn’t take two hours.

What’s all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace.

I know you’ve been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don’t want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views – especially if he’s a comedian.

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it’s cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you’re in, you’re made; if you can’t, you’re out.

I’ve worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had – and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.