226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they’ll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? ‘Gilligan’s Island.’

I’m an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I’m on the screen, and I’m completely sincere about it. If I don’t happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn’t make me a hypocrite or a phony.

I work because I enjoy what I’m doing, and the fact that I make money at it – big money – is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

I owe one thing to my public – the best performance I can give.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, “It was all right but I liked the book better.”

I can’t go anywhere without being bugged by somebody. I’d love to just hike out down the street, or drop in a restaurant, or wander in the park, or take my kids somewhere without collecting a trail of people. But I can’t.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don’t hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

Democracy is buying a big house you can’t afford with money you don’t have to impress people you wish were dead.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that’s gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.