226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

There’s a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I’d never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that’s Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there’s something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he’ll be two weeks older.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor’s vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

There’s only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I’m secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don’t need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don’t stop building them.

We’re more effective than birth control pills.