226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

guess what they want for a new four-door Chevy?

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say ""Storms suck!

If variety if the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Talking about sexual morality, I wouldn't agree that it's declining, but it's certainly changing. Young and old, we are very much in the process of taking a fresh look at the whole issue of morality. The only decline that's taking place - and it's about time - is in the old puritanical concept that sex is equated with sin.