712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little Lent. What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail.

Poor Al Gore. Global warming completely debunked via the very internet you invented.

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege,

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.