712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

We had a real good December. Consumers didn't appear to be holding back at the pump.

Nobody out-rednecks the great state of America.

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?

The Oscars is really, I guess, the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.