712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.

Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

Very often I get e-mails intended for Jon Stewart from Comedy Central that are mailed to me. And the first reaction, and the first response that I or my assistant make is: Do you have the right Jon Stewart?

Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.

Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.

Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!

Brown was nominated to the post by President Bush in 2003, ... And (he) intends to start the job any day now.