368 Quotes by Karl Pilkington

You don’t get anything done by planning.

We’re just a weed in the universe.

They’re limited edition,’ she said. ‘Listen,’ I said ’they’re not limited enough. These shouldn’t have been made at all.

We’re gonna get weaker. That’s already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they’re saying eat five fruits. That’s evidence. You can’t argue with that.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says – it’s only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

What’s that plate that’s above a saucer but below a plate?

As long as you’re remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you’re remembering him. That’s what I’m saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

I sometimes wear headphones even though I’m not listening to anything just so I’m left alone. It’s the next best thing to wearing a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That’s well documented.