368 Quotes by Karl Pilkington

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain?

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "shite gateau