79 Quotes by Les Dawson

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.

Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.

The way prices are rising, the good old days are last week.

I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.

I've got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

The mother-in-law had an accident at work. A hot rivet dropped down her drawers and she fell off the oil rig.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'

The mother-in-law came round last week. It was absolutely pouring down. So I opened the door and I saw her there and I said, 'Mother, don't just stand there in the rain. Go home.'