79 Quotes by Les Dawson

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Slumps don’t bother me.

I’ve got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve.

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I’m rudderless.

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: ‘Keep her moving sir; we’re stock-taking.’

I took the wife’s family out for tea biscuits. They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.

I’ve just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law’s funeral. And she’s cancelled it.

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.

A square egg in a dish of lentils won’t make a marrow bend with the wind, nor will it make rhubarb grow up the milkmaid’s leg.