79 Quotes by Les Dawson

Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it’s a weeping willow.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

I can always tell when the mother in law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

I’m not saying my mother didn’t like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.

My mother-in-law’s so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

I’m the most unromantic lump of Northern suet. Yes, a woman did accost me once in South Shields, but she had a face like Red Rum.

I discovered the wife’s got asthma. Thank God – I thought she was hissing at me.

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel’s ‘Pavane pour une infante defunte’ but I couldn’t remember if it’s a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

I knew I’d chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord’s Prayer on it.