79 Quotes by Les Dawson

The wife's run off with the bloke next door. I do miss him.

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

My wife sent her photograph to the lonely hearts club. They sent it back, said they weren't that lonely.

When I was a child, I had wax in my ears. Dad didn't take me to the doctor, he used me as a night light.

My mother-in-law said, 'One day I will dance on your grave.' I said 'I hope you do; I will be buried at sea.'

You do something you're really quite proud of, and the public doesn't like it. Then you do something that perhaps you're not at all happy with and the public loves it. And that's the moment of truth, because it's the audience that's the final judge.

When we were courting, I told my wife: 'I could live in your eyes.' She said: 'You'd be at home; there's a stye in one of them.'