370 Quotes by Lewis Black

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.