86 Quotes by Lewis Grizzard

I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.

Elvis is dead and I don't feel good for myself.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.

It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.