287 Quotes by Louis C. K.

It's easier to cancel a show if it's expensive.

How do women still go out guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women! Globally, and historically one cause of injury and mayhem to women. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

I've had two great years, probably five good years. So I had 20 years of just kind of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All these things. There's no way I'm ever going to catch up to the misery years. It's impossible... If I don't do anything dumb or I don't get a disease or something, and then I've got to five to eight years I think where it'll really be great and then it will start to degenerate like uranium, you know?

I could never sit down and write jokes.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something,