287 Quotes by Louis C. K.

It doesn't have any effect on your life. What do you care?! People try to talk about it like it's a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, "How am I supposed to explain to my children that two men are getting married?... I dunno. It's your shitty kid. You fuckin' tell 'em. Why is that anyone else's problem? Two guys are in LOVE and they can't get married because you don't want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin' minutes?

You gotta be optimistic to be single. Stupid! You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is somebody that goes, 'Hey, maybe something nice will happen!' Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen? What are you, stupid?

It's hard to really look at somebody and go: "Hey, maybe something nice will happen." You just don't-- I know too much about life to have any optimism, because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.

You need to develop the ability to just be yourself and not be doing something, that's what the phones are taking away. The ability to just sit there, thats a person.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I've been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone's dying, like laughing so they're delirious. It's like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

All these words we use, anybody can be a genius now. It used to be you had to have a thought no one ever had before or you had to invent a number. Now, it's like, Hey, I've got a cup in case we need another cup. Dude, you're a genius!

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.