210 Quotes by Milton Berle

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let’s Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it’s the kids who have to do all the work.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.

I don’t mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you’re insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

She wanted an Italian sports car – with the sport still in it.