210 Quotes by Milton Berle

There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”

Sir, I didn’t deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

I can’t tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

In the suburbs it’s hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.