210 Quotes by Milton Berle

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand – and they feel glorious.

When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, “I wish he was my kid for one day!”

This man’s wife told him, “For Christmas, surprise me.” On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, “Boo!”

Valentine’s Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

They’ve got plastic Christmas trees now. They’re hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas – like a Mexican divorce.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year’s it flew away.