210 Quotes by Milton Berle

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they’re lost.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

Who says we didn’t have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

If you hire relatives, you’ll have a payroll that won’t quit.

My son asked for very little – a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

Talk about cheap – on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, “Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul.” That’s just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.