210 Quotes by Milton Berle

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, “It doesn’t do anything. It’s just a Christmas gift.”

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom’s eyes, dad’s chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn’t punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom’s to thank for.“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man’s side?

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, “Don’t worry. The little bit of work I do won’t be noticed !!!”

Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs – is that a promise or a threat?

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.