210 Quotes by Milton Berle

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.