210 Quotes by Milton Berle

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.