122 Quotes by Mort Sahl

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

Will Rogers…used to come out with a newspaper and pretend he was a yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with a newspaper and pretend I’m an intellectual making fun of the yokels running the government.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.

I found people looked better when they laughed