107 Quotes by Neil Simon

OSCAR. (With a pointing finger.) I'm warning you. You want to live here, I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you and I don't want to smell your cooking. Now get this spaghetti off my poker table.FELIX. Ha! Haha!OSCAR. What the hell's so funny?FELIX. It's not spaghetti. It's linguini!(OSCAR picks up the plate of linguini, crosses to the doorway, and hurls it into the kitchen.)OSCAR. Now it's garbage!

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.

If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

Nathan Lane always wanted to play Oscar. When he came in the first day, he already knew his lines. He said he'd known them since he was 18.

Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

If no one ever took risks, Michaelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.