107 Quotes by Neil Simon

People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?

Give your mind a chance to travel through foreign languages.

Baptists are only funny underwater.

[When you write a play] you walk into a forest without a knife, without a compass. But . . . if you have a sense of geography, you find that you're clearing a path and getting to the right place.

There's no such thing as a sure thing. That's why they call it gambling.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Rewriting is when writing really gets to be fun. . . . In baseball you only get three swings and you're out. In rewriting, you get almost as many swings as you want and you know, sooner or later, you'll hit the ball.

How long do you want to wait until you start enjoying life? When you're sixty-five you get social security.

Standing on a ledge again. Everyone laughs at dancing monkey with the typewriter. Not for long, though.