911 Quotes by P. J. O'Rourke

The Afghans themselves say that if you put two Afghans in a room, you get three factions.

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

All previous populist movements were demanding things from governments, whereas the Tea Party is saying, 'Give us less, go away.' That's heartening to see.

I'm a member of the 1960s generation. We didn't have any wisdom.

How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?

El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.

I have, of all the inglorious things, a malignant hemorrhoid. What color bracelet does one wear for that? And where does one wear it? And what slogan is apropos? Perhaps that slogan can be sewn in needlepoint around the ruffle on a cover for my embarrassing little doughnut buttocks pillow.

Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.