911 Quotes by P. J. O'Rourke

It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s. Liberals would still be fumbling with the federally mandated trigger locks.

Rahm Emanuel is, we are almost certain, a vampire.

The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

The problem, when comparing contemporary television to television in 1974, is that TV has become not just bad but sad.

Political systems are run by self-selecting politicians. We don't draft people; it's not jury duty.

I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.

In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that when the official U.S. measure of poverty was developed in 1963, a poor American family had an income twenty-nine times greater than the average per capita income in the rest of the world. An individual American could make more money than 93 percent of the other people on the planet and still be considered poor.

The average IQ in America is - and this can be proven mathematically - average.

Like most sensible people, you probably lost interest in modern art about the time that Julian Schnabel was painting broken pieces of the crockery that his wife had thrown at him for painting broken pieces of crockery instead of painting the bathroom and hall.