71 Quotes by Paul Merton

All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds – I can’t stand Noel Edmonds.

My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years.

I don’t consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.

The thing about improvisation is that it’s not about what you say. It’s listening to what other people say. It’s about what you hear.

I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn’t?

In fact, I don’t watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.

It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you’re young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It’s an instant connection.

My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, ‘Excuse me, I’m trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you’re giving blow jobs to transsexuals?’

I’ll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I’ve never got over it.