138 Quotes by Paula Poundstone

I talk to a lot of librarians, and there’s always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently – and just in the nick of time – refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.

I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn’t you say?

The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don’t think that’s going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I’m looking around for the perfect parent and I haven’t seen one yet.

When we live up to our Constitution, let’s form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let’s have a ball. I’ll blow up the balloons myself.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I’d done everything there was to do.

I can make things, but I don’t cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I’m too absentminded.

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are ‘Where are you from? What do you do for a living?’ I almost always get something interesting.