81 Quotes by Red Skelton

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas

When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.

A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '

Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin

You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.