81 Quotes by Red Skelton

Congress: Bingo with billions.

Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?

Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.