41 Quotes by Richard Jeni

The way I see life, it’s like we’re all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people’s freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They’re the only couples you’ll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

I’m catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it’s a bird!

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won’t hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they’re not getting up early on a Sunday.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don’t have it.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it’s pretty much all luck.