339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I don't look back. I'm like a shark - I only look forward.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.

I have a hold limit that I've set for myself. I hold until I start to imagine myself killing the person on the other end. Then I hang up and regroup.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven't made a mistake.