339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always