339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I’ve never seen in a men’s magazine? A makeover.

Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”

I get a lot of return business. I think it’s all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they’re married to.

My new dress. Do you like it? It’s from my favorite designer, On Sale.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we’re covered. He tells me who’s in the movie and I tell him what’s in his sandwich. Together we’re human bifocals.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.