339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I’ll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

The logic was, there weren’t too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don’t understand them, and they don’t want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren’t home.

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.