339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

How can I have morning sickness when I don’t get up till noon?

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replay in sports. They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ on what? On fire?

Men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.

I love to write jokes and that’s all I think about.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I’d like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.