339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying.

Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I’d have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.

Men who write love letters don’t live in this century.

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds – natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds – heroin.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men – how about “New Car Interior”?

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.